


you were not made to be loved in parts

by Ravens_World



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Bobby Nash is Evan "Buck" Buckley's Parent, Buck Gets the Hugs He Deserved, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29495049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravens_World/pseuds/Ravens_World
Summary: He wanted to see Eddie and Christopher. He wanted to spend time with them. But he didn't want to have to go in there and pretend he was okay.His phone buzzed, and when he looked down, he noticed a text from Eddie.E: are you coming inside, or do you plan on staring at my house for a few more minutes?Post 4x05
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 482
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	you were not made to be loved in parts

**Author's Note:**

> I'm actually unnerved by how productive I've been. Guys, this is scary.
> 
> Anyways, this fic is basically me resenting the fact that my baby didn't get any hugs in this episode. I loved everything about the episode though, so I'll forgive the fact that they gave no fire fam hugs and will do it for them.
> 
> Happy Reading!! 🖤

The second they were clear of the building, Bobby stopped Buck in his tracks and looked him over, trying to keep his worry under control. "Are you hurt?"

Buck wasn't all there, and when he looked at him he seemed to look right through him, and Bobby didn't receive an answer. Their team flanked Bobby, and he knew if he were to look at them, the same worry he was feeling would be reflected on their faces. "Buck, are you hurt?" He repeated, more firm now. 

Buck wordlessly shook his head, and Bobby pulled him into his arms. He closed his eyes, relief flooding all his senses as he felt like he could finally breathe again. Buck sank into his arms and Bobby tightened his hold on him. The kid was taller than him, but he had folded himself forward, and it was enough for him to fit into Bobby's arms perfectly.

He stroked his hair as he ignored the fact that he had been holding Buck for too long and needed to let him go now, that the rest of their team were all just as worried about him as Bobby was. And still, he couldn't get himself to be the first one to pull away.

Buck was one of the most important in his life, and for the longest time, Bobby had tried his best to keep him at arm's length. 

Buck hadn't let him. He made his way into his heart and into his life without Bobby's permission and on days like this, when the mere thought of losing Buck sent his head spinning and seeing him hurt and in pain ripped his heart out, he wondered if he should have fought harder against the kid's attempts to bulldoze his way through the walls Bobby had built around his heart.

The answer, he knew in his heart, would always be no. Buck was worth it; having him in his life, with all the fear and the worry he brought with him, was worth it, because the kid only made it better.

Buck pulled away slowly, and when he looked at Bobby, there was a little life back in that stare.

.

Hen immediately took over when Bobby released Buck, and the hug she pulled him into was gentle. His arms came up around her, but she couldn't help but notice that it wasn't the Evan Buckley hug she was used to getting. She squeezed him tightly before she let go and though he didn't smile when his eyes wandered up to hers, he seemed to be doing a bit better now.

Chim came close to taking her place after she released Buck, but he seemed to think better of it. He turned on his heel and left, his phone already in hand. 

Buck didn't seem to notice.  
.

Eddie wasn't sure how, but he somehow managed to stand quietly and wait for his turn. Bobby had hugged Buck first, long and hard, and then Hen had pulled Buck into her arms and Eddie couldn't help but notice that his best friend still seemed lifeless, which was something he'd thought Buck would be able to shake off once they got him out. He'd been wrong, though, and it scared Eddie to no end. Buck wasn't the type to shut down; he was the one who let himself feel _everything_. 

But that wasn't the case this time. 

Buck hadn't said a word since they made it out. He hadn't smiled. He'd also avoided Eddie's eyes for the most part, which was why when Blue eyes met his, Eddie was shocked. He got over it quickly when he saw him pull away from Hen and move towards him. Buck stumbled and would have fallen face-first if it hadn't been for Eddie catching him. 

"I've got you," he murmured as he hauled him up and into his arms. "I've got you. I'm here," he continued to say the words quietly, meant for Buck's ears alone, and he felt the other man cling to him tightly, both hands fisted in his jacket. Buck buried his face in his neck and Eddie felt him shudder. One hand went to the back of his head and he stroked his damp hair gently. 

Bobby and Hen were watching him with small smiles on their faces, and Bobby nodded at him. He nodded back, then turned his attention back onto Buck.

"Let's get you checked out, huh?" He suggested and Buck merely nodded. 

Eddie walked him over to the nearest ambulance, and he made sure to keep one arm around his waist, to keep him steady- and close.

Buck sat down gingerly once they got to the ambulance and Eddie put a hand on his shoulder. "You need anything? I can-" 

His phone rang, startling them all, and he pulled it out in a hurry. "It's Carla," he informed them, and frowned. "Cap, can I-?"

Bobby nodded. "Go ahead, we've got him covered."

He took one last look at Buck, at the lost look on his face, at the tears gathered in his red eyes, and wished he could snap his fingers and make everything better for him

But there wasn't. There was nothing he could do but be there and hope to God that he was enough.  
.

When Eddie called him and invited him over for a beer, Buck's instinctive answer had been a quick yes. Now, though, he was starting to regret not thinking things through. 

Because Eddie would take one look at him and he would just know everything. The other man could always read Buck like an open book, and Buck didn't really have any practice in hiding things from him- the one thing he'd been successfully hiding from him was the fact that he wanted to be with him, that with each passing day, his feelings for him grew stronger and became more firmly rooted in his heart. 

He parked the jeep, and rested his head on the wheel. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to see Eddie and Christopher. He wanted to spend time with them. But he didn't want to have to go in there and pretend he was okay.

His phone buzzed, and when he looked down, he noticed a text from Eddie. 

_E: are you coming inside, or do you plan on staring at my house for a few more minutes?_

Buck laughed. Shaking his head, he stepped out of the car and made his way to Eddie's door. Before he could knock, the door opened and he found himself treated to one of Christopher's warm hugs. He bent down, not caring how awkward it was, and pressed a lingering kiss to the little boy's head. 

"I'm glad you're okay, Bucky."

"Thanks, little man," his voice cracked. When he looked up, he found Edddie watching them fondly, but the smile on his face seemed weird. Buck's eyebrows drew together in a worried frown and Eddie's answering shake of his head, though not convincing, told him to leave it for another time. 

Christopher let him go and all but dragged him inside by the hand. Eddie let them go with nothing more than a squeeze to Buck's shoulder. 

Christopher showed him a new video game, and beat him at it, naturally, and for a little less than hour, Buck didn't think about the brother he couldn't save, and never got to know, or the parents who he'd forgiven but still resented, and he didn't think about any of his failures.

He laughed with Christopher, accused him of cheating, and the weight lifted off his shoulders gradually until it became just a little more bearable.

"Christopher, homework," Eddie called out from the kitchen. 

Christopher groaned but shut off the game. He looked up at Buck. "Will you stay?"

"A little bit."

His face fell. "Okay." 

"You okay, kiddo?"

"I thought we could watch a movie tonight."

Buck didn't like disappointing Christopher, but he hadn't talked to Eddie yet, and him staying would largely depend on that, especially if he did end up talking to him about his parents. "Tell you what, I'll try to stay, but if I _don't_ , you and your dad can come by to my apartment in a couple of days and we'll watch a movie then, huh?"

He brightened and leaned into Buck for a hug. Buck buried his head in the kid's hair and breathed him in. "Hey, Christopher?" He whispered.

Christopher straightened up and adjusted his glasses. When he looked at him, Buck was surprised by the pang of love that burst in his chest at the adorable sight. "I _love you_ , you know that right, kid?"

He wasn't sure why, but it felt really important for Christopher to know it, and for Buck to say it. 

Christopher beamed, and if he was surprised, he didn't show it. "Love you, too, Bucky," he told him casually, as if those words didn't mean the world. He got up and slowly made his way to his room, and all the while, Buck watched him. 

"Here."

When he looked up, still in a daze, a bottle of beer was thrust into his hand. He took it automatically and immediately started to work on the label. He could feel Eddie's eyes on him, but he chose to ignore it for now. 

"You okay?"

Buck nodded, probably too fast to be believable. "Yeah."

Eddie was nodding along with him. "You expect me to believe that?"

His shoulders slumped and he let himself fall back into the couch, and realized too late that Eddie had rested his arm there. He ended up with his neck resting on Eddie's arm and they both seemed to freeze for a second, unsure of what to do. In a moment of bravery, or stupidity, he decided to ignore it for now and stayed where he was. To his surprise, and relief, Eddie didn't move either. 

Buck looked up at the ceiling. "I'm not okay," he admitted quietly.

"But you feel like you should be, right?" Eddie finished for him and Buck looked at him in surprise. "You forgave your parents, you talked to Maddie, things should be back to normal," he continued, hitting the nail on the head. 

" _Exactly_! So why do I still feel like- like I'm- just not okay?"

"Well, there's the fact that even though I don't know what you talked to your parents about, I just know that talk was more about them than you. I can bet that you didn't mention anything about how they treated you, how they made you feel, when you were a kid and even as an adult. You got closure, but you didn't get what you wanted out of them, not really."

Buck nodded. He closed his eyes in case any tears attempted to escape. "They were _nice_ to me, but- it felt like I was a kid and they only paid attention when I was hurt, you know? They didn't- they told me they didn't blame me, but they didn't _apologize_. They didn't say that they didn't regret me. They told me they were proud of me, but what do they know about me other than the stories they heard from you?"

"Hey, breathe," Eddie's hand on his arm brought him back to reality and he realized he'd nearly worked himself into a panic attack. He whispered an apology and got a glare in return. "Don't ever apologize. None of this is on you. _None_ of it."

A tear escaped and Buck wiped it off hurriedly, but not before Eddie noticed. Eddie scooted closer, lifted his forearm off the couch, which resulted in Buck's head settling in the crook of his elbow, then let his hand rest on his head. They sat like that, in comfortable silence, for a few minutes. 

"You deserve better, you know. I don't know how you managed it while living under the same roof as them, but you're nothing like them." He tried to shake his head, but Eddie stilled the movement with his hand. When he looked up at him, Buck's breath rushed out of him at the closeness. He'd been Eddie's friend for two- almost three- years now, and they've been close. Hell, the team had teased them about living out of each other's pockets. So, they were used to being close, but this felt different. This felt more intimate than anything they'd experienced. For one insane moment, Buck imagined lifting his head up and closing the distance between them. It was just for a minute, though, and after that he managed to bring himself back to earth. He looked away from Eddie, afraid to give his feelings away if he looked at him anymore. "You're a good man, Buck. You're a good friend, the _best_. You'rea good brother, and you're a good son." 

He snorted. "They would disagree."

"Wasn't talking about _them_."

He smiled shyly, and they fell silent again. Buck knew he should move away, he should make up an excuse and get up, but he didn't want to. He didn't want to move away from Eddie's body, which radiated heat, didn't want to lose the contact. It was possibly a disaster waiting to happen, but Buck had been through hell, he could give himself this, at least; even if it's just for a little while. 

Eddie's fingers started to move through his hair, and his eyes closed against his will. He was on the brink of sleep when he felt Eddie remove his arm from under his head, then guided him down until he was laying down on the couch. He managed to open his eyes, and found Eddie crouched down in front of him, one hand back in Buck's hair and the other beside his but not touching it. "Sleep, Buck."

"'kay," he muttered, eyes closing again.  
.

Eddie watched Buck sleep on his couch for the longest time. The rise and fall of his chest was a comfort, and so were his lax features. He looked comfortable, at peace, unlike how he'd been for the past week. The fact that he'd been the cause of that change filled Eddie with an inexplicable amount of pride. 

_I'm in love with you._

The thought popped up in his head suddenly, and he pushed it back down with practiced ease. He'd been attracted to Buck for a long time now, and he'd loved him for just as long, but he'd always separated the two in his head. He was bisexual; he'd known since he was a teenager and even though he'd never advertised the fact, he hadn't actively tried to hide it. So, he'd managed to convince himself that even though he was attracted to Buck, his love for him didn't have to mean anything more than friendship. And it had worked to a certain extent. 

But lately, _I love you_ had been replaced by _I'm in love with you_ in his head, and there was no way for him to explain that away unless it was the truth. And the truth was this:

Eddie had fallen for his best friend, and he wasn't sure the other man felt the same way. Sure, there were moments when he suspected Buck was flirting with him, smiles that were a little too soft, looks that were a little too hungry and wanting, but they were all fleeting and not enough for him to risk losing their friendship or to have it altered permanently. 

He knew there was no way for him to ever be sure, and knew if he didn't make a move soon, someone might beat him to it, but Eddie wasn't ready to take that step, wasn't brave enough.

But-

Maybe one day.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the tags aren't misleading, since Buddie don't get together in the fic, but they both want to. I just don't know how to get that across in tags. If anyone has any suggestions or objections, let me know! 


End file.
